okay, so that was one amazing frickin' trip! god damn, it was great.

at the moment i'm down in the snapper offices because i have no life and wanted to play with lightroom on the mac.  i want to get everything we've done down before i forget, but the keyboard on this thing is so incredibly sucky that i don't feel like typing it all out right now.

so i'll have a more detailed entry later tonight or tomorrow.

this upcoming week is gonna be hectic...

but mike might come up this weekend for the con!!!

figures.

no matter how hard i try not to, i always end up getting burned.

you'd think after four years, i'd learn.

but nope, this foolish heart of mine just won't quit.

i just want someone to love.

is that so much to ask?

~ash

i've grown up.

do you know how scary that phrase is?

i'm no longer a child.

and though i haven't been, at least in a legal sense, for almost two years now... i'm only just starting to feel it.

i am no longer a child.

i have to deal with things.  things that are changing.  but i also have to realize that some things really are the same, no matter how much other things might be changing around me.

there are legitimate things i have to deal with now.  things i have to think about.  gone are the days of high school and emo sad-for-myself poetry.  gone are the days of dealing with everything by drowning myself in chocolate.

i have to make a concious effort.  a concious effort to mature.  to care.  to understand, to realize the consequences of my actions. to realize that its not just about me and my own little comfortable world. there are things in life that fall outside my comfort zone.  and i have to deal with them.  i have to face them.  i can't hide in my own world anymore.

i just spent two hours talking to the boy i love as my own brother. sitting in his car, talking about life.  realizing that a lot of things are changing.  i'm dealing with adult issues now.  no more giggling and stupid coments of high school.  this is real.  and as much as i might want things to be the same as they were last year, they can't be.  in the same token, i wouldn't want them to be.  i'm ready to move on with my life. 

ready to make a change.

ready to be a friend, not a buddy.  ready to be a role-model, not a bystander.  ready to stand up for myself, ready to be who i am.

ready to be a woman, not a girl.

and i'm fuckin' scared,

but i'm ready.

~Ashton

Sometimes i just want someone to ask me...

Ask
How long?
How long has this been going on?

But they don't notice.
He doesn't notice.
They're busy living their own little lives
Living his own little lie.

Without me.

y'know... allergies in generall just really, really, really suck. i can never tell if i'm starting to get a cold or if it's just all the damned pollen in the air. i never used to have allergies... why all the flare up in the past two years?? it sucks, i tell you.

so let's see. today, i spent the morning waiting for my hair to dry and stealing firefly screencaps. i've got a couple wallpaper ideas in mind. hell, who knows? i might even go crazy and make some livejournal icons. wouldn't that be great? even though i've already filled all my slots... damnit. i wish you could have unlimited of those thigns, cuz i've got some really cool ones that just don't fit :(

and in case you can't tell, i <3 captain malcom reynolds. the more i watch him, the more he reminds me of mike. or mike reminds me of mal. i don't know... which came first, the chicken or the egg i suppose... i like them both. hell, i'd go for nathan fillion any day. (he's currently on my desktop in all his black-and-white sexiness.)

speaking of black-and-white, i finished up my first roll of black and white film today with my new used camera! i hope they come out allright, because if they do i've got some cool shots in there. this is also a bad thing, however... as i'm now down to only two rolls of film left, as i ordered the wrong kind from adorama... :( still have to figure out what i have to do for that >< le sigh... there's always something that ends up stressing me out beyond reason, isn't it?

c'este la vie. oh-blah-di, oh-blah-da, life goes on. always look on the bright side of life.

yeah. i should do that russian i've been putting off...

peace!
~jewel

rantage.

i've been staring at a blank sheet of sketchbook paper for about three hours now. seriously, three hours. i finished my cross-hatching sketch about halfway through watching notting hill... well, finished is a relative term. i have no idea what i'm doing and it looks like crap, but i can't think of anything else to do to it, so i'm saying its done. i just can't... draw. today. can't. or i don't have the motivation to.

yesterday was a lot of fun (hershey) but i dunno... there are many things that could have made it better. it seems every time i turned around i was bombarded with another couple kissing or holding hands or generally being in love. bobby and rachel weren't much help... over each other the whole day. i miss the times when i could just hang out with /bobby/. i see him every day but i miss him like crazy. i know he's in love, and i'm glad he's happy... but his happiness only adds to my misery.

i also wish mike could have been there. not just because i've got a massive crush on him, but because he would have been one other person i could talk to. someone else i could relate to in the group. it was massively bobby-friend-heavy. shannon was really the only one besides bobby i really could feel comfortable around. brad and clayton are cool, but they're definately bobby's friends. and they have their own inside jokes and stories and habits.

i've just really felt out-of-place around bobby lately. i take that back, around bobby and rachel. i feel like a third wheel in a major way. especially this weekend, with mike not being here.

sometimes i wonder if i like that boy just simply because he distracts me from bobby.

ugh. i've got to get over to the auditorium to practice sometime today. i haven't practiced at all this week and my lesson is tomorrow. i mean, i'm good at sight-reading but... scales just kill me.

so i've got to pratice, gotta finish my stipple and shading drawings, gotta finish up a roll of film for photo 1 and find some time to read my photo history book and finish my russian worksheets. and i still have yet to really start pendragon book 6.

i know its because i'm tired and was bombarded yesterday with depressing thoughts, but i'm really out of it today. i hate how i get like this so often.

so, what's the plan then?

i think i'll make myself a chicken wrap for lunch (yes, its 2:30 already and i have yet to eat lunch...). after that? i think i'll head over to lyte for practiceness. on the way i can snap some shots for photo. i could use some time on a marimba/piano as well. get some stress out. after that i'll head back and try to finish up these couple of drawings. i just can't find anything around my room that i really want to draw. maybe i'll cheat and just go through my photos like i did with the negative space assignment. its an idea.

so, food it is then.

i wonder when mike's going to get back today... bobby wasn't sure. maybe before dinner? that'd be nice, but i doubt it. oh well, i'm sure i'll see him sometime tomorrow. and bobby's going to be gone next weekend, so hopefully mike'll stick around. that would be nice.

i wonder...

allright, i should go.

~jewel

trying this whole livejournal thing again since my xanga has all but died.

sometimes you just need a place to rant, y'know?

but i'm doing this instead of finishing up my sketchbook assignments for drawing XD

yeah. that's a smart thing to do...

more later.

~jewel